


Saying Goodbye

by RubyFiamma



Category: [19 Days] Old先
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Boys Kissing, M/M, Parting Ways, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-08 02:02:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5479154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RubyFiamma/pseuds/RubyFiamma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jian Yi's kiss gets rejected by Zheng Xi and he has to now think of a way to salvage their friendship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Saying Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

  * For [for-the-saba](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=for-the-saba).



> Chapter 143 fucked me up.

**Saying Goodbye**

* * *

_He smells nice._

It's a thought Jian Yi shouldn't be having -- not now -- not when he's trying to forget, not now when he's asking for forgiveness and forgetfulness from the boy that holds him in an embrace that Jian Yi has already etched deep into his memory.

_He smells nice and he's warm._

The rain has soaked through his clothes, seeps chill into the bone yet with Zheng Xi's arms around him, with the soft-damp press of the other's cheek against his and the slight scent of cinnamon spice wafting under his nostrils, Jian Yi is warm -- cozy, even, like he's sitting in front of a crackling fire on a blustery winter's day.

"But -- I can't just forget," Zheng Xi murmurs into the crook of Jian Yi's neck. His lips brush against Jian Yi's skin; they're soft like rose petals and sweet like drops of spring-fresh dew. It makes Jian Yi want to reciprocate, close his arms around Zheng Xi and taste those lips again but he doesn't. He knows if he were to hold on, to clutch the soaking fabric of Zheng Xi's jacket then he'd be clinging on to the idea that there was some future there; that this moment in time would be something they look back on and laugh about.

He feels the cold of the weather sinking in again as Zheng Xi's hands slide down his arms and the other takes a step back into a puddle, and Jian Yi catches his distorted reflection in the ripples.

_Such an uglier crier._

Jian Yi looks up, his heart suddenly catching on a beat like he's allowed some hope to worm it's way in between his aching ribs. Even in the dark, Jian Yi can see the deep scarlet circles under Zheng Xi's eyes. He can allow himself the delusion that somewhere in that tortured expression is the truth that Zheng Xi gets it -- that it's not just about Jian Yi _liking men_ \-- it's never been just that.

"Just pretend," he repeats and when Jian Yi clears the blur out of his eyes with the back of his hand, he sees the glint of tears in the other's eyes. It makes his chest ache even more, until the crushing pressure is too much and he feels like the air has become too thin and he can't breathe.

"Y-yes," Jian Yi sobs, clutches his chest like that'll help ease the pain and the will to go back in time before this all started gets stronger and stronger. "Forget all this. Say good --" His breath hitches and he has to force himself to get the last bit out. "-- goodbye and t-that's it." The words taste sour on his tongue, toxic churning in his gut to match. It's been a long time since he's felt this alone.

_'Aren't you lonely?'_

The soft glow from the street lamps illuminate the curve of Zheng Xi's mouth as it drops open, catches the glint of fresh tears now that roll down his cheeks.

_'It's okay, I'm here.'_ He can still remember the warmth of Zheng Xi's hand as it closed over his in the halls of their elementary school, the way the other's thumb pressed reassurance into his palm. _'I have super powers, I'll send you my strength.'_

"Jian --" His name falls off the other's tongue in a cloud of breath, it's cut off by the audible choking sound Zheng Xi makes as he swallows.

What would be the harm in kissing him one last time, Jian Yi thinks as he watches the tortured look pass over the other's features. If this is goodbye then I'll never have to see him look like this ever again.

Jian Yi moves as quick as he'll ever move in his short life and closes the small distance between them. His fingers find purchase in the sopping strands of Zheng Xi's hair.

_'You have to hold tight.'_

He brings Zheng Xi forward, tips his chin so that he can slot their mouths together. Zheng Xi's lips are cold and wet, brimming with salt from the tears that he shed and the other's tiny voice reverberates in his head.

_'I'll send you my strength. You have to hold tight.'_

Zheng Xi doesn't move, he's stunned still like he had been earlier in the hallway but it's fine if he doesn't kiss back. As long as Jian Yi can keep the memory of his lips pressed against the other's in a moment that would have been romantic had it not been for the taste of tears and the heart wrenching sound of goodbye. It doesn't matter as long as Zheng Xi understands that it isn't because Jian Yi likes men, but that he's in love with his best friend.

Jian Yi fans his tongue across the other's lips and licks against the warmth that's soaked into them. To his surprise, Zheng Xi's mouth opens and he's not sure if it's on startled protest but Jian Yi's heart flutters, his stomach drops out to the pavement beneath their feet and his eyes blow open to catch Zheng Xi's thick lashes sweep across his cheeks as his eyes fall shut.

But then Jian Yi's mind starts doing terrible things, dredges up memories of old and the look of disgust on the other's face the first time Jian Yi kissed him and just as quick as it started, it ends with Jian Yi shoving at Zheng Xi's shoulders.

"Sorry," he gasps, taking a step back and raising his hands to his face to prepare for the incoming blow. "I'm sorry -- I'm leaving."

Jian Yi spins too fast on his heel and stumbles when the rubber soles of his shoes slip against the wet concrete. His fingers skim through a puddle before he picks himself back up but he doesn't stop or turn back to face the other.

"Jian Yi!" Zheng Xi calls, and Jian Yi can imagine him standing there with a look of confusion, maybe disdain and that isn't the way he wants to remember his friend. He wants to remember the little boy that offered him friendship, the boy who laughed and rolled around with him in the snow under a blanket of stars on Christmas eve --

"Jian Yi, wait!"

"Just let me go this time!" he desperately yells back, but it's swallowed in the sound of a car horn blaring as he runs out into the street. He just wants to remember the boy that took a rock the head for him -- the only person that promised to protect him and never broke that promise.

Zheng Xi never follows him and Jian Yi keeps running until he's disappeared into the night and he doesn't look back.

 

 


End file.
